BLOG
Categories
March 30, 2022
Understanding the Common Challenges of Adopted Children
To begin with, I am an adopted child. I was adopted in the 40’s in a closed adoption, but I believe that although adoption has changed since the 40’s to having many more open, family and foreign adoptions, there are issues that are common to all adopted children. These issues include abandonment issues, identity development issues especially in adolescence, and feelings of not belonging. Some kids feel strongly about some of these things and not others.
First, I want to say that adoption is not a psychological condition it is a life condition. It is a permanent condition regardless of the traits, strengths, talents and special qualities of the child who was adopted. This special status comes up in expected and unexpected ways, which may cause stress and distress for the child – persisting even into adulthood. For instance, my children were asked to draw a family tree in school – do I use my adopted family or have my child disclose my adoption and leave a section of the tree blank?
At first glance, adoption seems like a perfect arrangement. Parents get a child and the child gets a loving home. But this arrangement has some problems:
- Parents tell the adopted child they are “special” – that they are lucky to have found a good family. Adopted children often wonder if they are good enough to meet their new family’s expectations.
- Children, in order to understand that they were adopted, have to grapple with the fact that first they were abandoned. Again, the question arises of why they weren’t good enough to keep. So there is the dual challenge for kids who feel they need to be perfect to have a new family, and that they must feel grateful for this situation.
- A chosen child has some “ghosts” that can become active fantasies, or just low level what-ifs: the ghost of who they would have been if they were not adopted, the ghost of the birth mother and birth father, and the ghost of the adopted family’s child that might have been. When I was thinking about this, I realized that I have said on many occasions that my first cousin (the daughter of my mother’s brother)– who is beautiful and looks like my adopted mother – “She looks like what I was supposed to look like.” This is a ghost echo for me.
So this is not to say that adoption is too much to handle – it is just an experience that requires lots of attention and understanding. The three main issues we can address are abandonment, identity development, and feelings of not belonging.
- Abandonment – this is the big one. How could someone leave you before you were even big enough to know anything? This loss is sometimes called a “primal” loss. It has to be acknowledged to be healed. In reaction to this reality, adopted kids often go through phases of being detached, clingy, over worried about people leaving and not returning, fear or curiosity about illness and death, and difficulty with transitions of all kinds. I’m sure you all have examples of how this has occurred in your families.
- Identity issues – this is where we get into the roles of the good adoptee and the bad adoptee. One of the major developmental jobs of growing up is to develop an independent and cohesive identity. Some adopted kids seem to be trying to connect with the “ghosts” we talked about by either acting the image of the adopted parents natural child (generally the good adoptee), or living life according to the fantasy of his or her birth family (the bad adoptee). These birth family fantasies can lead kids to try identities involving criminal behavior, excessive use of alcohol and drugs, or sexual acting out. This kind of behavior also serves the purpose of testing the commitment of the parents, to see if they will send you away and abandon you again. I remember a teen I was seeing who threw a serious fit, yelling ‘you can’t get rid of me’ when his parents wanted to send him to a prep school.
- The third issue common to many adopted children involves the feeling of belonging. As soon as a child begins to grapple with the fact that he or she is adopted, he/she starts looking for similarities and differences with his adopted parents. I recently had an adopted teenager in my office who wanted to measure how tall he was by standing next to his adopted mother. Children look to their parents, aunts and uncles, for information about how they will turn out – what characteristics do they carry coded in their genes. For adopted kids there is confused genetic mirroring, either physically or psychologically. So it can also be a challenge for an athletic, artistic child to be adopted by an intellectual family full of lawyers and scientists. When kids realize how different they are, there is often a period of looking for people like you – your tribe. As a friend of mine recently said: It’s all about the feelings.
What can we do to help adopted kids deal with the feeling issues we have identified – abandonment, identity formation, and feeling that you don’t belong? The overall aim here is to stay connected with the child or person you are dealing with – project the feeling that you will never give up on them. This is the classic instruction of separating the behavior from the person’s basic being. “I am mad that you lied to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” Here are a few specific techniques to consider:
- The first technique to maintain connection is active listening – which is actually listening to the feelings not the content. In active listening you say things like: It sounds like you are scared, nervous, worried, sad, upset, etc.
- Technique two is pointing out the positives – I know you are good at sorting things out – or being a good friend – or getting what you need – so you can do this.
- The third technique is asking a question – Do you want to know what I think? Or what I would do in this situation?
- The fourth technique is total confidence – I know you will figure it out. This works best with older kids who have some experience making good decisions.
- The last technique is to articulate what you are doing – I love you and I think you will be incredibly successful in the future, and I want to help you make good choices today. Is there anything I can do to help? In other words, I am there for you.
Addressing adopted children’s unique challenges can be tough. By following these strategies you will be able to more effectively address these concerns and help the adopted child know that he or she is heard, loved, and wanted.
SOURCE: https://www.boulderpsychologicalservices.com/understanding-common-challenges-adopted-children/
RECENT POSTS
A Closer Look at AAP—Through the Lens of Healing and Support The Adoption Assistance Program isn’t just about financial support—it’s about creating pathways to healing. It’s designed to remove some of the practical barriers that can get in the way of children finding permanent, loving homes. But let’s be clear: this isn’t a handout. It’s a hand-up—for families who are opening their hearts to children who’ve come from hard places. Why AAP Matters Every child deserves the chance to feel safe, to be seen, and to belong. For many children in foster care, trauma, loss, and disrupted attachments are part of their journey. That’s real. The AAP steps in to offer not just financial support, but medical coverage too—because healing takes time, and it takes resources. And sometimes, families need more than just traditional support—they need a team, a village. That’s where Wraparound Services come in. These services create a coordinated plan of care tailored specifically to the needs of the child and the family. It’s about bringing everyone to the table—therapists, teachers, caseworkers, mentors—so the family doesn’t have to carry the weight alone. AAP, when partnered with wraparound approaches, becomes a powerful framework for sustainable, long-term healing. This program exists to support adoptive parents in doing the most important work there is—parenting with love, patience, and understanding, even when the road is rough. Especially then. Who Qualifies? AAP typically focuses on children who’ve been labeled “special needs,” but let’s unpack that a bit. We’re not just talking about medical diagnoses. Special needs can include kids who are older, part of a sibling group, or from racial or ethnic backgrounds that have historically made placement more difficult. These are children who’ve experienced layers of stress and trauma, and they need homes that can meet them where they are. This isn’t about what's “wrong” with the child—it’s about recognizing the impact of their experiences and making sure families have the support to respond with love rather than fear. The Role of Agencies—Public and Private Public child welfare agencies, usually operated by the state, are the primary decision-makers when it comes to AAP eligibility. They assess the child’s history and needs—emotional, physical, developmental—and determine the support required. They’re also responsible for distributing the actual benefits. Private agencies? They’re often the bridge. They help match families with children, walk alongside adoptive parents, and support them through the paperwork and processes. They may not control the funding, but they play a vital role in ensuring the connection between family and child is rooted in understanding. Who’s Eligible for Adoption Assistance? Let’s Look Beyond the Paperwork Understanding What It Really Means to Qualify for AAP When we talk about eligibility for the Adoption Assistance Program (AAP), we’re not just checking off boxes. We’re talking about real children—children who’ve faced uncertainty, trauma, and disruption. And we’re talking about families who are saying yes to the hard work of love, healing, and commitment. The guidelines matter, yes. But what’s more important is why they exist: to make sure no family ever has to say “no” to a child simply because the support wasn’t there. What Does “Special Needs” Really Mean? In the AAP world, “special needs” isn’t a label—it’s a lens. It’s a way of acknowledging the extra layers a child might carry. Maybe it’s a medical diagnosis, or a developmental delay. Maybe it’s being part of a sibling group, or an older child who’s been in foster care for years. These aren’t shortcomings. These are signals that a child has walked a tougher road—and that they’ll need extra support to truly settle into a forever home. In tribal customary adoptions, we honor the cultural roots of Native children, recognizing that “special needs” must be defined through the lens of their community and traditions. And for kids who are part of the juvenile court system, maintaining eligibility means making sure their support doesn’t end just because their paperwork status changes. Every Story is Unique—So is Eligibility Not all adoptions look the same. Some children come from foster care, others from kinship placements. Some are being adopted as nonminor dependents—older teens who still need connection and support, even if they’re close to adulthood. The type of adoption, the child’s age, the prior relationship to the family—all of these influence eligibility for federal or state AAP support. And we can’t forget: the kind of placement a child is coming from—whether foster care or otherwise—can also open or close doors to benefits. This isn’t just policy. This is about whether we set families up to thrive. Let’s Talk About Money—Because That Matters Too Now, income. It’s a tricky subject. Here’s what you need to know: income might affect the amount of support you receive, but it doesn’t usually determine whether you’re eligible in the first place. The system isn’t trying to punish families for what they have or don’t have—it’s trying to make sure the child’s needs are met without putting that weight entirely on your shoulders. And foster care maintenance payments? They often help determine what kind of support you’ll receive through AAP. The goal here is sustainability. We want this to be a journey you can walk with confidence, not fear. Bottom Line: It’s Not Just About Checking Boxes Behind every eligibility guideline is a child—and a family stepping into a sacred responsibility. Understanding the criteria is important, but don’t lose sight of the heart behind it. This is about building safe, loving homes where healing is possible. The AAP is one piece of that puzzle. And together, we can put the whole picture together. How the Adoption Assistance Process Unfolds: A Journey, Not Just a Checklist
Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Brain Development Let’s just take a moment and really lean into this: when children go through trauma—whether it’s a single overwhelming event or a chronic series of unpredictable stressors—it doesn’t just impact how they feel. It rewires their brains. Literally. Trauma affects the very architecture of the brain. Now here’s what I want you to know: we all carry stress, but for our adopted children, especially those who’ve had rocky starts from the womb forward, their brains have been shaped by that stress in deep and lasting ways. We’re talking about fundamental areas of the brain—the hippocampus, the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex. These regions handle memory, emotional responses, and decision-making. When trauma’s been in the driver’s seat too long, these systems go into overdrive. The amygdala? It becomes hypervigilant. Always scanning, always ready to run or fight. That means fear and anxiety become the norm. The prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for impulse control and executive functioning? It can get underdeveloped, and that shows up as difficulty with decision-making, poor judgment, or what some might call “bad behavior.” But we’re not talking about bad kids—we’re talking about stressed-out brains doing the best they can with what they’ve been through. The Impact on Cognitive and Emotional Development Trauma doesn’t just tangle up the brain—it distorts how children see the world and themselves. You may notice delays in language. Struggles with memory. A hard time focusing in school. And here’s the thing: it’s not that they won’t learn—it’s that they can’t , not until their stress system starts to settle. Emotionally, you’ll see it in their relationships. These kids may have a hard time trusting. They may withdraw, or they may explode. It’s not personal. It’s protection. That stress pattern becomes the lens through which they view every interaction. And yet—this is important—it’s not permanent. Healing is possible. The secret ingredient? You . A calm, regulated, loving adult. Someone who creates what I call “oxytocin opportunities”—those moments of deep connection that help regulate a child’s nervous system and say, “You’re safe. You’re loved. You’re not alone.” That’s where healing starts. Not with punishment. Not with control. But with connection. When we show up not to fix, but to be with our kids in their storm, we begin to untangle that trauma, one relationship at a time. Navigating Emotional Challenges in Adopted Children
Let’s talk about something essential—recognizing trauma in adopted children. This isn’t just about a checklist of behaviors; this is about tuning in, with your heart wide open, to the signals your child is giving you. And make no mistake—every behavior is communication. Every reaction, every meltdown, every withdrawal, is your child reaching out, saying, “I need help making sense of my world.” Behavioral Signs and Emotional Disruptions Sometimes that reaching out looks like anger. Other times, it’s withdrawal. Maybe your child lashes out over something that seems small. Or maybe they pull so far inward you barely know they’re there. These are not “bad behaviors.” These are survival strategies. Your child is not broken—they’re doing the best they can with what they’ve lived through. Distrust. Insecurity. Nightmares. Sleep issues. These aren’t just issues—they are trauma symptoms. The body remembers what the brain can’t always verbalize. Sleep disturbances are just one way the nervous system stays on high alert, trying to protect from pain that already passed—but was never processed. And fear? Fear can show up wearing a lot of masks—sadness, irritability, rage. When we start to peel back the layers, what we see isn’t defiance, but a deep emotional wound crying out for connection and safety. Developmental and Learning Challenges Let’s not forget—trauma interrupts development. That’s not just theory. That’s neuroscience. When a child experiences overwhelming, prolonged, or unpredictable stress, it physically alters how their brain organizes itself. So yes, developmental delays are real. They’re not because your child “won’t try” or “just needs more discipline.” They’re because their brain is wired to survive, not thrive—at least until safety becomes the norm. In school, this might look like poor focus or trouble with memory. It might look like academic struggles that don’t seem to make sense. But again, the nervous system is doing its job: staying ready to fight, flee, or freeze. Learning can’t happen until the brain feels safe. That’s the truth. Post-traumatic stress isn’t reserved for soldiers. Our children live in emotional war zones too. Flashbacks, re-experiencing events, emotional shutdown—these are real symptoms that deserve real compassion. Understanding the Impact of Trauma in Adopted Children
Bringing and keeping families together!
